Talking to new people can be hard. It's risky. First impressions are nerve-racking, awkward interactions happen often, and in general, there's a lot of guessing. But those interactions are both inevitable and essential. And the better we get at them, the more doors open.
When you get better at talking to new people, it's like the movie Yes Man with Jim Carrey. New things can happen! New possibilities, new friendships, and new adventure. Besides, isn't life made rich through relationships? They all have a starting place!
Over the years, I have had to practice my interactions with people. I still biff it, embarrass myself, and make false presumptions. But I grow. What I have observed through my own learning is that over time, I am getting better at making people feel comfortable around me. There are ways I can talk to them that make their shoulders drop a bit, their eyes get less shifty. My own as well. It does get easier.
Holding a conversation is an art. There can appear to be lots of dead ends. But as you practice, you can find ways to sustain them and enjoy them until it's time to say goodbye. I know, sometimes it feels like you have to survive a conversation. But other times, a true bond is made. They will always be unpredictable.
Through a couple thousand conversations in recent years, I want to give you some free tips to help you get ahead and enjoy your chats with new people!
#1 Say Hello to More People Around You
Sometimes we pass with downcast eyes, only talking to people when necessary. But when we greet others around us, looking them in the eyes, it validates them, showing them they matter. It also denotes confidence, that you're willing to engage with them. It doesn't cost much. Just a greeting and a smile!
Living in Mexico, I picked up a very warm culture of saying hi. Everywhere you go, all day: Buenos Días, Buenas Tardes, Buenas Noches! I loved smiling and getting a smile back. Greeting and getting a greeting back. Even if I pass someone with a big grumpy face, I'll give them a chipper greeting and a smile, and all of a sudden, it's like they took a sip of strawberry milkshake. Someone said hi!
Now, wherever I go, I say hello to those around me and look them in the eyes. It's small, but I think it's meaningful and worth doing. Yes, even in the places where it's not as customary. Sometimes they're taken off guard… is he greeting me? We don't do that here. But I think they appreciate it. Everyone needs more connection. I'm willing to be the weird one.
Homework: Say hello!
#2 Ask for People's Names — More Than Is Customary
Knowing someone's name helps them become of more substance in your mind. They go from random stranger to Jerry. Or Mary. Or Gary. This one's pretty basic, I know. Get people's names more often, share yours. And if/when you see them again and you remember their name, it's a subtle but meaningful moment of, "you matter, I remember you!"
This became more and more important to me with interactions from people in any service industry. They can be treated less-than-human and it's sad to watch or hear about. Being their favorite customer of the day might be as easy as caring beyond you just receiving their service.
Homework: If someone is serving you, get their name. Bonus: Ask them how their shift is going.
#3 Consider Everyone as Your Friend
I have developed an acute tenderness when I am in public. It's like a general sense of moral affection towards those around me. It's an inward belief that people are precious, they all have stories, and they all long to be loved. So as a citizen of planet earth, I just made the decision that they're my friends. Or at least, I am their friend. I wouldn't mind talking to them. I wouldn't mind serving them or helping them with something.
Just that little mindset makes me smile when I walk around, almost like I'm looking at a room of friends. Or at least… pre-friends. If growing in talking with new people requires some perspective change, considering everyone as your friend might be my favorite. When you're generous in your friendship towards others, you will find it reciprocated back more often. If you want to learn how to improve your current friendships, try this.
Homework: As you walk around, think, "they're my friend."
#4 Become a Student of Someone's First Language
When you meet someone with a foreign accent, don't ask "where are you from?" At least not initially. They may just be from your town. I've found a better question: ask, "what's your first language?" It's a more respectful, non-assuming question.
Then, somewhere in the conversation, ask them how to say hello. Try your best to repeat it. Open your notes app and write it down with the translation, just as you hear it. Then ask them how to say thank you, repeat it, and write that down too. You will see them grinning. And next time you see them, pull out your phone notes and practice again!
Learning a few words from their language honors them. Showing interest in their background tells them that they matter. Greet them in their mother tongue!
Homework: Learn the greetings of someone's mother tongue and write the words and translation down in your phone to remember. Just write it down as you hear it. Bonus: Create a new note per language.
#5 Ask and Listen Out of Pure Curiosity
My mom said something to me that I never want to forget: "If you care enough to know, you will find… people are profoundly interesting." Sometimes we only listen to people enough to give an apt response back. We ask questions just to pass the time, not because we truly want to know more about their life and who they are.
But this has been deeply helpful to me: instead of listening for how to piggy back with another idea or comment, listen for nuggets. A nugget is something you can identify with, empathize to, or become even more curious about. "So what was that like?" "How did that come about?"
Homework: Go deeper into people's stories. You will find… people are profoundly interesting.
Thanks for tagging along, friends.
If you want to know one of my favorite ways to connect with people, learn about tea ceremonies.
