Today is a rainy Saturday and a flood of friends have been over at the house today, after our friend’s daughter’s birthday party got rained out. It was lovely. I love using my/our home as a place of blessing, hospitality, and connection with others.
I want to share some tips I have been trying to practice in my friendships recently. I certainly am not an expert or a social psychologist.
I’m just an aspiring ‘good friend’. I think being a good friend is undervalued and truly needed these days. I will call it a successful life if I can succeed at being a really good friend.
Here’s my four words that are currently my aim in my friendships: Consistency, Honesty, Priority, and Generosity.
Consistency
Regular, expected time with friends is the cheat code for me these days. Because making new weekly plans with friends can be exhausting. Always checking schedules, trying to make it exciting… it all can just be a grind.
Just having one time per week to do something, even the most simple of things like going on a walk together or having breakfast… can be quite helpful.
These days, Nathan and I walk our babies together in our strollers in the mornings. Not every morning, but we will text each other around 7AM and just see if the other is free. Someone normally brings coffee and little cups, and we meet up, walk for 45 minutes, ad say goodbye. Seeing Nathan every couple of days at the same time of day for the exact same thing just makes me happy. It gives me that people-connection-joy and makes my day better. And I know he appreciates it too.
Kyo and I go out for breakfast each week at a diner. I barely roll out of bed 5 minutes before I meet him, and even though I’m tired, it’s really good to see him each week and connect.
I pick up Colter 3 times a week for Early Mornings at my house. Getting a few minutes together with him, for the same days each week, in the early hours of the day, means more than words can say to me. I know that each week, no matter what’s going on, I will get to spend time with him.
These days, with our fragmented attention and busy schedules, simple but agreed-upon time to be with friends is a life saver.
Honesty
You may still be being honest with your friends. But do you ever connect with only the partial truth? The way of sharing how you are… that is true, but doesn’t reveal what is hard or painful?
I think it’s quite easy for us to waste opportunities with friends, only talking about what’s good, what’s working, what’s exciting, what’s funny. Because at the end of the day, you don’t really need to be known for what’s going well. You need to be known in what is not going well. With friends that can hold space for you. Or at least they will try as they know best, which is all we can ask!
I really awkwardly threw out a proposal of sharing “highs and lows” at a breakfast diner this week. Just me and two other guys, with diner mugs and booths. It felt like something you’d do in a middle school small group. But a few minutes later, we were all really glad to be in a deeper conversation with each other, getting to hear the good and the hard. It made all of us feel more comfortable to share the hard stuff that won’t just randomly come up in conversation.
Practicing honesty or perhaps a more comprehensive snapshot of my current well being or story has been really beneficial. It’s hard. But what’s harder is not feeling like anyone is with you in the hard stuff, and not really knowing the hard stuff in your friend’s life.
Do you know what your friend’s problems are? What their needs are? If not… go and find out!
Priority
Pay attention to what takes your margin these days: the in-between of the bigger events. What you do when you have a few minutes or hours between your next thing. I’m guessing it’s your phone, social media, or games. Why? Those have become mine too.
Boredom and margin give us space to consider what we need, what is life giving, what is the bigger picture. Without them, we are distracted, and don’t take the time to consider what we need.
Find ways to make relationships a part of your margin again. Instead of listening to a podcast on a walk or commute, call a friend. Instead of another night in to watch tv, invite a friend over.
Even if it’s to watch tv together. But perhaps you’ll get more creative than that.
I have found that surfacing my relationships as a top-of-mind priority helps me to make decisions for how I spent my days. How am I connecting with others? What feels a bit outside my comfort zone but I know is more aligned with my relational needs?
It’s okay to have needs. Sometimes that feels weird to say or to accept. So do your friends. And often times your relational needs get met together when you spend time with them. It’s a win win.
As much as it is good for you to engage with others, don’t forget that you’re a blessing to them too. They will need your questions, your insight, your jokes, your intentionality, just as much as you need theirs.
Generosity
This isn’t a generosity like to a charity or foundation. This is a generosity of spirit. Have you ever spent time with someone that clearly just finds you useful? That they need something from you, but they don’t have a genuine interest in you?
Or have you ever treated someone like that?
I chose the word generosity because I have wanted to shift my focus from “what benefit does this person give to me” to “how could I be a blessing to them”. I am often challenged by Jesus’ words, asking the value of only loving those who are easy to love. It punches me in the gut.
I want to live my live generously, care about people generously, and not hold on so tight, so protectively…
The opposite of my question above, of spending time with someone who is “life-giving”, is my aim. I want to think more about my relationships and how I can be a giver of life to them.
That’s all for today friends.
